


One Day

by Jnpie



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Horrortale (Undertale), Depression, Gen, Horrortale Papyrus (Undertale), Horrortale Sans (Undertale), Horrortale on the surface, Redemption, Regret, clinging to false hopes, papyrus-centric story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25374403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jnpie/pseuds/Jnpie
Summary: Papyrus thought that everything would be easy, if only he could escape what the Underground had deteriorated into.But navigating a normal life was not something he was prepared to do."One day, things will get better."He wanted to believe that this was true. Actually, he didn't really have a choice.He wasn't able to give up his dreams, no matter how fruitless they continued to be.How far away was "one day," anyway?
Comments: 31
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

It was all, undeniably, too good to be true. No, it absolutely, it couldn't possibly be true.

  
They had crossed the barrier in the early morning, just before dawn. The absence of sunlight did not make the experience any less life-changing or relieving. Cool morning air, smelling of wet earth, passed over his tired bones and, for a moment, washed everything unpleasant away. Papyrus could remember it clearly, but on some days it still didn’t feel real.

  
At first he had been quite nervous. What would the humans do to them? Would they be able to live peacefully? After everything that had happened underground...the few survivors were eager for peace.

  
They weren't the first monsters to be rescued from that place. What Frisk had discovered defied understanding. Something about that barrier allowed multiple dimensions to intersect within a single physical point. Obviously, it was a sensational topic among humans when the first wave of monsters was rescued--but after the second wave was retrieved, the entire world was paying close attention. Everyone wanted their finger in the pie of interdimensional study. And, in light of that endeavor, the sovereign island that housed Mt. Ebbot was more than happy to cater to monsters for the time being.

  
The truth is, Papyrus didn’t understand all of this even if he did benefit from it. From his perspective, humans were just surprisingly accommodating. He wasn’t in a place to question why that was, though he did marvel at it.

  
With a brand new life at his disposal, he thought that the best course of action now was to forget about the Underground completely. Whatever had happened down there was not worth thinking about. It was gone. It didn't exist. So why hurt oneself further? The things he did...well, they didn't matter anymore. He was more than willing to stuff those thoughts down.

  
Yes, he had plenty of experience incinerating bad feelings. His life had always been better that way.

  
And life was poised to look better than ever, now that he was free.

* * *

“OH, MY GOD! SANS, LOOK!”

  
With a squeal of delight Papyrus bounded down the rotting wooden stairs and into the open back yard. Excitement and glee lit up his whole face and yet it was a frightening thing to behold. He walked back and forth, admiring the dilapidated house before finally tripping on an abandoned smoker which had been concealed in the waist-high weeds.

“heh. sweet. yeah, i think i like this place," Sans replied carelessly.

"R-REALLY?! OH! OH YES! THAT'S A YES, RIGHT?! IT'S PERFECT SANS, IT'S THE BEST ONE YET!" Papyrus had said this about every place they had looked into.

"sure, sure. it's a good fit. good location. i could tolerate it. gotta move somewhere, anyway. and if you like it so much, well......i don't think i can say no." He grimaced, looking at his brother through a broken windowpane.

"IGNORE THAT--I CAN FIX IT!" Papyrus scoffed from the other side. "JUST THINK ABOUT ALL THE POTENTIAL HERE. WHY, WITH THIS MUCH SPACE, I COULD BUILD A HUNDRED DIFFERENT PUZZLES!" 

Papyrus made his way back into what appeared to be the kitchen. "IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, SANS. I'M WILLING TO PUT IN WHATEVER WORK IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS OUR NEW HOME." The earnestness in his face made it truly impossible for Sans to object.

And so they moved in. They bought the abandoned farm house quite cheaply from the city, on condition that they prepared the land for planting again by a certain date. It was important to the city to encourage farmers again. (Though the brothers had no intention of ever becoming farmers. Papyrus was simply set upon doing whatever it took to get this particular place.)

Sans wasn't willing to interfere with his brother's dreams. If Papyrus was satisfied, that was all he could ask for. For so long Underground, it seemed as if there was nothing to hope for. Although Papyrus had never given up on his performative bravado, Sans knew better. And it was a great relief to sense that his energetic behavior had been more sincere as of late.

It was sincere. After being saved, Papyrus's mind was constantly dancing with dreams and visions of a happier and more perfect life. He could stop worrying about things like food. He could live life free from Undyne's tyranny. He could make friends. Repair his battle body. Buy a car. See the sun every morning. The possibilities were endless and he was delighted.

At first.

* * *

It would have been foolish of him to expect positive reactions to what happened Underground. Even still, the general treatment he received out in public was jarring and unpleasant. It was not what he had hoped for. But he didn't let it dampen his spirits. Instead he buried it, the way he always had. He gathered up those disapproving looks, those frightened faces, those whispered words, he took them all together and he shoved them through a gigantic paper shredder in his mind. He took the shreds and turned them into a laugh, "NYEH HEH HEH!" Or sometimes an oblivious greeting, "GOOD EVENING!", given with a toothy grin. He was certain that people would come around eventually. He wasn't sure how he could convince them, but he knew that he could. Force-feeding himself positive thoughts, he reasoned that his greatness would inevitably win them over.

Today, he was in town for cooking class. He had found out about it through the monsters' community website and immediately made plans to attend. Desperate for connection with another person, he reasoned that this seemed like the perfect place to meet a potential friend.

  
He had cackled with delight at the prospect, and prepared in his mind some great thing he could say. Smugly he had thought of how he could impress the other students. It would all pay off, he had assured himself in his mind as he worked on that window. _"EVERYTHING HAS COME TOGETHER, AND IT WILL CONTINUE COMING TOGETHER, UNTIL--INEVITABLY!! MY LIFE WILL BE GREAT AGAIN!!"_

  
But that isn't what happened.

  
No one was rude to him there, though many of the other participants did appear to be nervous. Except for one.

  
"PAPYRUS?? YOUR NAME MUST BE...PAPYRUS, RIGHT?!"

  
He turned to see...himself.

  
It wasn't like looking in a mirror. It was like stepping back in time; it was horrific. Seeing himself standing there, in all his greatness, he felt his soul drop to the floor.

He stood there, speechless.

  
"HEY! IT'S OKAY, SEE, I'M PAPYRUS, TOO!" The other him hastened to soothe him.

  
"YOU'RE NEW, RIGHT? YOU GOT SAVED LAST MONTH, RIGHT? IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU! WOWIE...YOU'RE SO TALL!" The cheerful comments kept coming. Papyrus wanted to grab himself by the shoulders and shake. _"WAKE UP!"_ , he thought. _"ANSWER HIM LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!"_

  
Finally he managed to cough up a pitiful response. "AH....EHH, W-WOW, THANKS..." He had never before felt so inept. He felt like an impostor. That was clearly the more legitimate him.

  
"HEY, LET'S BE PARTNERS! WE CAN CONFUSE UNDYNE, NYEH HEH HEH!"

  
_"U...UNDYNE....IS UNDYNE HERE?!"_

  
He knows that his Undyne isn't. But he had forgotten to consider that there was another one living here.

  
"OOOH...UNDYNE? IS UNDYNE HERE?" After he heard himself say it, he criticized himself internally for asking such a stupid question.

  
"OF COURSE, SHE'S THE TEACHER! IT SAID SO ON THE PAMPHLET..." His other self seemed surprised at his ignorance.

  
"OOH....OH....AHH, I....I DON'T THINK I CAN....I NEED TO--" The paper shredder in his mind got jammed and started heating up. Papyrus pushed his way towards the exit, desperate to leave before meeting with Undyne. Once outside, he continued to run, putting as much distance between himself and the class.

  
The bad thoughts were backing up and he didn't know what to do with them.


	2. Chapter 2

It was impossible to deny that the cooking class had been a disaster.

Papyrus had chosen to hide that fact from Sans by milling about the narrow farm roads near their home, waiting to return until enough time had passed that he would avoid suspicion.

 _"TCH."_ He sneered at himself internally. _"YOU SHOULDN'T BE LYING TO HIM."_

But what else was he supposed to do?

Talk about it? Talk about his feelings?

As a general rule, he avoided those types of conversations. And he knew quite well that Sans did, too.

He also knew that Sans was watching him carefully, full of eagerness to see his brother thrive. Sans hadn't been eager about anything in ages and Papyrus felt very keenly that he must avoid screwing this up at all costs.

As the evening deepened into night, the stars began to appear, bit by bit. Papyrus found it impossible to look away. Real, burning, stars. Giant balls of super-heated, reacting elements, emitting light and radiation in all directions. So far away that the numbers needed to measure the distance lost all context, became impossible to understand. For someone who was used to taking up a lot of space, they made him feel small and insignificant. He was but a speck in the shadow cast by a star. Of course, this was true of everyone else as well. But he imagined it must be easier to feel like a speck if you were already happy, or if you were famous, or handsome, or at least had biceps.

He looked at his battle body. Before tonight had happened, he was proud of it and proud of the way he'd been able to restore it. But after looking back in time at himself, he couldn't see it as anything other than pitiful.

 _"MAYBE I SHOULD ASK SANS TO MAKE ME ANOTHER..."_ The idea cheered him up a little. Surely he would be happy if he could have a new battle body to wear, and surely Sans would do well to keep busy with something.

  
As it turned out, even just the anticipation of a shiny, new battle body was enough to lighten Papyrus's spirits. Sans had warned that it would take some time, but he didn't mind. Just knowing that there was a light at the end of this tunnel was enough for now. Thinking about that new battle body strengthened his resolve at every step. Everything he did: the cleaning, the cooking, the house repairs--it was all driven by that intoxicating anticipation, that image in his mind of a perfect and sparkling new self that he could be proud of, that he could delight in. If he worked hard enough, he would have it.

  
What would he do, once he had it? He thought about this constantly.

He knew what he wouldn't do. He wouldn't go back to any cooking class taught by Undyne.

The thought of seeing her again made him sick.

He knew it was unfair. She hadn't done anything. And so long ago, she had been his friend.

Would she remember the same things that he did about their time as friends, so long ago? How similar were their dimensions? Exactly the same, until a certain point? Or did they only run parallel to each other from the beginning?

How many times, underground, had he wished for everything to undo itself, for Undyne to go back to being his friend? How many times had he wished to see her the way she once was? And now that that Undyne really did exist again, he couldn't bring himself to be near her. What a shame.

Ahh...but what would he do? What would he do with his old self restored? It made him giddy to think about.

He would cook on his own, and impress and feed others.

He would make his friend count soar, create an online presence, and amass thousands of fans with his daring and charm.

He would finally be recognized for the greatness he knew he possessed.

It was dizzying to think that all this was just around the corner.

* * *

  
Sans was not in the habit of waking up early.

In fact there had been some days in this junky old house that he hadn't gotten out of bed at all, though it had been awhile since he behaved that lazily. He worried Papyrus when he did that.

Often he wished that Papyrus would scold him again, fuss and gripe and stamp his feet.

He could recognize that Papyrus treated him differently now. He didn't blame him, but...he still didn't like it. It made him uncomfortable, because he recognized that it was justified, and that if he weren't so useless he could be a better brother. He had accepted that he was a bad person a long time ago, and even if he wanted to change, he didn't believe it was possible.

So one day, he picked up his socks. It was his way of apologizing for being so bad. And when he saw how Papyrus reacted with tentative optimism, he went one step further and took care of the laundry the next day.

It was enough to cover his tracks, to appear to be improving, that he stopped it at that. But even just that had been enough to convince Papyrus of an up-and-coming new existence, one in which the brothers would find fulfillment and joy.

Sans didn't believe a word of it. He knew the truth. It was all a farce, just something he did to make Papyrus happy. Just like how Papyrus pretended that everything was fine when he screwed up.

But tonight, Sans pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, and set his alarm at an unimaginable hour in order to finish the battle body in time for breakfast. Papyrus had been waiting for days (and truth be told, Sans had been slacking. It could have been ready earlier).

* * *

  
"SANS. BREAKFAST."

Papyrus knocked on the door to Sans' room. Not loud enough to wake him, in case he was sleeping. It wasn't uncommon for him to sleep through breakfast.

Just as he was about to turn away, the door cracked open. Sans peered through the crack with a suspicious grin on his face.

"mornin'."

"......MORNING." Papyrus squinted for a moment, trying to put his finger on what exactly felt weird.

Oh no. He was going to set up a skeleton joke.

"....well, bro. can you guess what's got me so...bone tired this morning?"

Papyrus stifled a groan. "I'M AFRAID NOT!"

Sans' grin didn't waver. "guess."

"....YOU SPENT TOO MUCH TIME BROWSING PINTEREST AGAIN."

"nope."

"YOUR GNAWING HUNGER KEPT YOU FROM SLEEPING."

"hehe, nahh. good guess, though."

"......WELL I DON'T KNOW, THEN."

Sans stepped aside, throwing the door wide open to reveal the fruits of his labor.

"............surprise, bro. it's finally done."

Papyrus made no effort to hide his joy. "EEEEEEE! MY....MY BATTLE BODY! IT LOOKS SO...SO...SO PERFECT!" 

In an instant, Sans was swept up in an embrace and whirled round and round.

"THANK YOU!! SANS!!"

Breakfast was forgotten as the battle body was assembled. Sans never ceased to be amazed at Papyrus's enthusiasm. He had had plenty of reasons and plenty of chances to give up, and yet...

"NYEH HEH HEH HEH!! SANS! COME, CELEBRATE WITH ME! I WANT TO SHOW THIS THING OFF TO THE ENTIRE CITY!!"

"heh. what, are we eating out for breakfast now?"

"YES! OF COURSE, A SPLENDID IDEA! LET'S GO, LET'S GO! HMM...WHERE SHOULD WE GO, TO FIND THE MOST PEOPLE? MY DAY OF NEW FRIENDSHIPS IS HERE!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, finally, everything can be good again. Of course a new battle body is all that was needed.


	3. Chapter 3

Here, in the city, it was impossible to walk down the street without constantly being exposed to strangers.

It took a good hour and a half to walk there from the rural farming community where the skeleton brothers lived. Thankfully, that was plenty of time to become hungry again after eating a full breakfast.

"SEE, SANS? THERE'S NO REASON TO BE NERVOUS!"

Papyrus briefly broke stride to flash a wide, toothy grin at a stranger walking past. The man quickly averted his gaze and picked up his pace, almost tripping on the cracks in the pavement in his haste.

"PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US BECAUSE THEY LIKE US! THEY LIKE MY BATTLE BODY! ......OH, THAT GUY? ......HE WAS JUST SHY."

"........makes sense," Sans murmured, as he watched his brother scan the path ahead for more potential friends and admirers.

Papyrus thoughtfully tapped his chin. "THEY CLEARLY THINK WE ARE TOO BUSY TO STOP AND BEFRIEND. I MUST FIND A WAY TO BECOME MORE APPROACHABLE..."

He lifted his hand towards the next passer-by, who jumped, stifling a shriek with a hand to her mouth as she realized this towering monster was only trying to wave. Hastily apologizing, she, too, fled; urging on her small child who couldn't help but look behind in awe at Papyrus's terrifying form.

"HMMM. SHE MUST HAVE BEEN RUNNING LATE OR SOMETHING."

Actually, Sans despised this routine. He loved his brother, and, after everything, still believed him to be the epitome of cool for refusing to give up.

But it was difficult for him to watch so many people outright reject Papyrus. And it was hard for him to watch Papyrus be so deep in denial that he couldn't actually tell what he truly believed.

He hated the unwanted attention, too. Some people were blatant about it, staring to their hearts' content or sometimes even pointing unabashedly before moving on with their annoyingly normal lives. Most people had some semblance of shame, looking away or blushing if they were caught. Somehow, that was even more annoying, when it was clear that they knew what they were doing was wrong.

That's why they had moved out beyond the city center in the first place. To be away from all that. That's why Sans never left the house unless Papyrus dragged him out. And that's why he always wore a hat and a pair of sunglasses when they made rare outings, like this one. He was sick of being mistaken for a walking Halloween decoration.

Unfortunately, Papyrus did not have a convenient way of covering up his gnarled, broken teeth. And there was no conceivable way to make himself a full foot shorter. So he received the brunt of the unwanted attention, though it didn't exactly appear as if he deemed it unwanted in the first place.

"eh....what flavor doughnut are you going to get this time, bro?" Sans was desperate to change the subject. He already knew why those people were running away.

"AH! EXCELLENT QUESTION, YES...WHICH FLAVOR SHOULD I GET? I THINK....." He paused, whether for dramatic effect or to actually consider the question, it was unclear.

"TODAY I FEEL LIKE A DOUBLE SERVING!!" He joyfully concluded, disturbing a young couple meandering about a nearby storefront.

"YES, A DOUBLE SERVING! BOTH MAPLE GLAZED! IT'S EXCESSIVE, I KNOW, BUT TODAY IS A DAY TO CELEBRATE! HEH! I THINK I'LL ORDER A PIG-IN-A-BLANKET, TOO! NYEH HEH!"

That actually sounded....really good. Maybe coming into town was worth it after all. Sans felt for a moment that maybe he should reconsider his city avoidance strategy.

* * *

The doughnut shop was quite busy. It was a locally famous place, having existed for quite some time before the island had exploded in growth. They often sold out completely and closed up early in the day.

"SANS, SANS, LOOK--A FREE TABLE! GET IT, GET IT!"

Though most patrons carried their breakfast out, there were a few small tables for guests inside. Papyrus had always wanted to eat in, but there was never a free table before. After managing to order, he rejoined Sans, preparing himself to wait for a while.

Papyrus scanned the room for someone to lock eyes with. To wave to, or say good morning to.

He just knew that he hadn't had the right luck yet. That with his new battle body, and his iron-clad determination, he could brute force his way into friendship and renown.

The patrons nearest to him lowered their eyes and ducked their heads when he looked over. Maybe they were reading books under the table.

The woman at the table next to him was seemingly oblivious to his existence, staring fixedly at her receipt no matter how long he watched and waited for a chance to greet her. She must be urgently budgeting out her expenses.

Papyrus turned his attention to the window. A lovely autumn morning was turning into a comfortable autumn day. He saw a sweet potato vendor across the street and made a mental note to stop by after eating his fill of doughnuts.

As the minutes went by, the shop began to thin out. Instead of eating in, other patrons sitting at tables elected to take their orders and leave. There were many empty tables now, so the brothers felt comfortable taking their time.

Papyrus had just started in on his pig-in-a-blanket when suddenly he was aware of a pair of eyes fixed upon his face.

He turned his head and came face-to-face with a small, fat, baby with thick, brown hair.

It was being carried in a sling upon its father's back as he sat upon a stool at the table beside Papyrus.

The baby stared at Papyrus, emotionless.

Papyrus stared back. He didn't know how to greet a baby.

The baby blinked once, then heaved a doleful sigh, expressionless.

Papyrus didn't understand why, but he loved this baby.

The baby proceeded to sneeze directly at his face.

He couldn't even be mad, though it was disgusting.

He just kept staring at its cuteness. And he was grateful that the baby also chose to continue to stare. It was the only human contact he had had in ages, unless you counted when he made the order moments ago.

A desire to make the baby laugh bubbled up in him. But he didn't know how.

And he was nervous that anything he might try would backfire, frightening the innocent thing and causing it to cry and look away, like everyone else.

So the pair sat there, oblivious to anything going on around them. Observing each other both detachedly and intently.

Suddenly the father turned around and noticed Papyrus, startling him slightly at the sudden change.

"....YOUR BABY IS CUTE." Was all he could say.

The man's face had paled, but at this he gave a small grin. "Thanks."

"..............................................."

They said nothing more.

The man got his food and left, hand in hand with his partner.

He nodded at Papyrus on the way out, but Papyrus took too long to think of how to respond, and missed his chance.

He looked over at Sans, who had fallen asleep at the table at some point. Papyrus chose not to wake him, instead turning his attention to his meal.

There was so little about that exchange that maybe it couldn't even be properly called an exchange. But the man had smiled at him, however faint. And at least the baby hadn't cried. It was the first experience that could almost be called a success since word had gotten out about the sordid nature of the underground he came from. Papyrus ran the entire encounter through his mind, seeking to enjoy it for just a little longer. It yielded less and less joy each time but he wasn't ready to stop. It felt too wonderful, to remember that someone had smiled at him, that two separate people had looked upon him and had chosen not to look away in shame. It didn't matter that one was a baby, who could have been mistaking him for a Halloween decoration after all.

* * *

It was a normal day in the life of the doughnut shop owner. He had been working since before dawn, preparing the doughnuts fresh from scratch and cleaning and arranging the shop. The tourist season was over, but he could still expect to have a busy cluster of hours in the mid-morning rush. Most of the time, it wasn't an unpleasant job. More than half of the customers were regulars, locals, and old-timers. He knew many of them by name.

After monsters had become residents of the city, many of them had become customers as well. Most people thought good things about monsters, and he was happy to serve them and get to know them in some small way.

When he saw the pair of skeletons come in, he thought nothing of it.

As the morning rush crowd began to thin shortly after, he noticed that the day had progressed much quicker than he had realized. And as the patrons became sparse, the boy working the register came over and brought to his attention: there was a problem.

The pair of skeletons had been sitting directly by the window, waving at other customers and coming off as a bit creepy.

People had decided not to stick around, some of them avoiding the shop altogether. Was it really the skeletons' fault? The boy didn't know. He was merely remarking upon it.

Had they done anything inappropriate, the owner asked? Not that the boy or any other co-worker had witnessed. Probably not. Monsters had a reputation of being outstanding citizens.

The owner looked up at the shop. He could count all the patrons on one hand. And the skeletons seemed to have finished their meal. One even was taking a nap at the table.

He wondered to himself, should he ask them to leave? It felt unjust. But he could see why people might choose to avoid them, and cause him to lose business.

They were clearly from the murder dimension. And while there had been no reports of wrongdoing since they arrived, it was still a bit uncomfortable to be near monsters like that, with all the rumors.

He made up his mind to politely ask them to leave.

But then he hesitated. It didn't sit right.

He considered. What did he actually know about them?

He knew very little that wasn't hearsay. Maybe even nothing.

So he made up his mind, and approached them after all.

* * *

"Excuse me!" A voice called out behind Papyrus, startling him.

"Excuse me, sir!" Papyrus turned and looked eagerly, ready for his chance.

"Sir, I...." The man faltered as he approached.

"I...there aren't many customers here, so...well, I'm the owner of this place, and...." Papyrus felt a sinking feeling in his soul again.

"I'm sorry if this is rude, but....can I talk to you for a minute? If you aren't busy?"

His soul shot back up! Finally! His chance!!

"OF COURSE, FRIEND! WHAT ABOUT?"

"I...well...I don't know how to ask this politely, but--"

"PLEASE, DON'T BE SHY! I PROMISE YOU IT'S FINE."

"Ah--well, in that case...." The man took a seat at the place where the baby had been.

"Is it true that you...that your...your dimension...killed people?"

".............................."

"I'm sorry, it's uncomfortable for you, I can see." The man waved his hands apologetically. "I shouldn't have--"

"IT'S TRUE."

"Ah...I see.........." The man didn't know where to look, so he settled on the empty plate on the table.

"Is it....also true, then......that you......." He swallowed hard, fiddled with his collar.

"Is it also true, then, that you ate people as well?"

"......CHILDREN, TO BE EXACT. WE DIDN'T GET MANY ADULTS. YEAH."

The man wiped his brow nervously.

"O-oh...oh, really..." He was doing his best to stay calm. Papyrus felt wretched to see him try so hard and fail.

"Well, I....i-it must have been very desperate...if you had no other choice..." The poor man was trying to be nice to him. Papyrus would have jumped at the chance in any other conversation.

"If you had no other choice, it is understandable...that you must eat..."

Suddenly the man looked up at him.

"But...friend..." Papyrus didn't like this.

"Did you really.......have no other choice? There are rumors...rumors that it all could have been avoided. Rumors that with a single human soul, the barrier could have been crossed. I'm not accusing you.....I just, wanted to know...."

Papyrus doesn't know what to say. He stares at the man, who is waiting patiently for him to respond. He looks at the plate he just finished. Did he really kill those children, purely out of necessity? None of them died peacefully. That was wrong, wasn't it?

Eventually he had reasoned that they were going to die either way. And he might as well enjoy putting them through puzzles-- a captive audience of sorts. The fact that the puzzles were also death traps was just killing two birds with one stone.

Well, couldn't his treatment of them be considered humane, when compared to what Undyne would have accomplished with them in her grasp? Even back then he had felt strongly that such a scenario would be more than even he could stomach.

But this man wasn't asking him about Undyne. He was asking him about.....himself.

Could he have done anything differently, underground?

Papyrus is sweating now. He doesn't want to answer that question. He has locked these thoughts away ever since he was set free.

He doesn't want to lie to this man, however. This man is giving him the benefit of the doubt, in a way that no one else has.

"THE RUMORS ARE TRUE, THEN, I GUESS. .....I'M SORRY."

He doesn't know what else to say. But the man doesn't seem satisfied.

In fact, he seems surprised. He came over here to clear up misconceptions, and instead had every horrible rumor confirmed.

"I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. WELL...I'D BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB OF NOT THINKING ABOUT IT, UNTIL NOW." Papyrus sneered at himself. "I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE WHO GOT HURT DOWN THERE EXISTS IN THIS WORLD YET. THEY WILL BE BORN AND GROW UP HERE, PEACEFULLY, SINCE THE ENTRANCE IS PROTECTED NOW, THERE'S NO CHANCE OF THEM ACCIDENTALLY FALLING DOWN."

"S...some of them....may already be born, you know..." The man doesn't understand why this is important, but he notices a flaw in Papyrus's logic. "And even if they aren't harmed now...does that mean that their suffering before was only an illusion?"

"................" It wasn't an illusion. Their suffering had been real.

Who knows? The baby from earlier could have been his plaything, his dinner in the past. He feels sick with grief and disgust as he realizes it.

Papyrus doesn't have the heart to justify himself anymore. The man waits a moment for any further response, and then gets up from his seat with a sigh.

"I can't judge you. I don't even know what happened. .....It sounds horrific. But thank you for telling me your story honestly."

Papyrus makes no response. He's looking at his plate and thinking about that baby.

"Lots of people are going to condemn you for what happened, if they don't already. But you're sorry about it now, right?"

Papyrus doesn't know. What does it mean to be sorry? Does it mean he simply wishes he hadn't done it? Does it mean he wishes it hadn't happened? Does it mean experiencing abject misery over his own actions? The harder he examines it in his mind, the less clear the phrase seems.

But finally, he decides that each of those categories apply.

"YES...I THINK I AM SORRY..." He says to his plate.

"Well, that's good. If you're really sorry...and you apologize...you can be forgiven. It'll be okay."

The man softly pats Papyrus on the shoulder, and returns to his work.

Maybe today isn't the best day for the doughnut shop. But he doesn't regret letting them stay.

Papyrus, on the other hand, regrets coming.


	4. Chapter 4

How long had he been living this way?

When Sans tentatively asked him about his latest project, it made Papyrus realize that it had been a long time since he had abandoned it.

He tried to think back to the week before, the month before. Nothing in particular stood out. Each day more or less resembled the others surrounding it.

He remembered the day he was humiliated and lonely at the donut shop. Sometimes he replayed that conversation in his mind, reliving it over and over in a misguided attempt to feel better about what was said. Sometimes, all on its own, his mind replayed that conversation for him, forcing it upon his consciousness.

"Something went wrong here. Look at it again, and figure it out," his mind whispered to him late at night. "Think back, what did you do wrong? What can you do better?" But he was already full of realizations about what went wrong (though he appreciated that there was always room to find more) and too ashamed about things he couldn't change to make any real plan to do better.

Though it's not like he had given up after that incident. Stubbornly, he had continued to persevere, to reach out, to believe in making a connection of some sort. Not that anything ever came of it. Nothing good, anyway. He could only comfort himself with weak excuses for so long before it became impossible to ignore the real reason he was unable to connect with any humans. Slowly, over the course of several weeks, he began to become more and more upset each time his efforts failed.

It would have been less painful if he were able to become jaded, to give up like Sans. Isn't that what's supposed to happen in cases like this? It's your mind's way of protecting you. Otherwise, you just keep on getting hurt when things don't work out.

Unable to give up hoping for some sort of positive, interpersonal interaction, Papyrus instead gave up on trying to force one. It had become obvious to him that his schemes never worked out, and that they never would. It was comforting, in a way, to leave everything up to chance. It was less disappointing, that way, if at the end of the day nothing had changed. _“THAT'S FINE,”_ he could say to himself. _“I JUST NEED TO WAIT A LITTLE LONGER. MAYBE TOMORROW, MAYBE NEXT WEEK, BUT SURELY, ONE DAY, THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT.”_

"O-OH. THE PARTY." Papyrus frowned thoughtfully. Would it be better to be honest with Sans? Or to attempt to cover up his lack of enthusiasm?

"I CANCELLED IT. NO ONE WAS GOING TO COME ANYWAY, SO WHY PRETEND?" He shrugged, in a way that he hoped came across as nonchalantly.

Sans was stunned. He'd never, never heard Papyrus talk this way before.

He wanted to probe deeper, ask if Papyrus was okay, to offer his support or encouragement of some sort. He didn't want Papyrus to become like him. He searched, but couldn't find any words, and he felt like a hypocrite. How could he encourage Papyrus to keep hoping, when he himself had given up completely?

Suddenly Sans was gripped with a terror, a glimpse of a fragment of what their future could become. He stopped thinking and started talking.

"papyrus. i want you to be happy."

"I KNOW." Papyrus chose not to look up from his task.

"i don't--papyrus! i don't want to see you give up." Why wouldn't he just look up?

"I HAVEN'T." Why was this so hard for him? Hadn't he wished for an opportunity like this, in the past? To have a heart-to-heart with Sans about their problems?

"what, do you think this is my fault or something?"

"WHY WOULD I THINK THAT."

"because it is." "PFF. DON'T BE DRAMATIC." He could hardly let Sans finish his sentence due to his knee-jerk distaste towards the sentiment. That was just like Sans, he thought. Too wrapped up in his own head to see what was really going on outside.

"o....of course it is." Sans hung his head. Any problems they had after that day would always be his fault, he believed.

"THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED EITHER WAY."

"that's not true. you...you're such a...a..." Sans struggled for a moment.

How do you tell another person what they mean to you? How do you say, "I admire you more than anyone else," or, "I think you're the greatest person there is," or, "If it wasn't for my own poor judgement, you wouldn't have murdered anyone and thus no one would automatically hate you," without sounding trite?

Sans was going to say, "You're such a great guy." Which sounds even more trite than any of those things. And so he second-guessed himself at the last minute. Even though that's really what he believed, it didn't sound right. It was only a watered-down version of what he really wanted to say; he wasn't used to expressing himself so directly.

Papyrus scoffed. "SEE. YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY IT." "no, you don't know what i was going to say."

Papyrus shifted his tone from accusatory to calmly sympathetic.

"YOU WERE GOING TO SAY, I'M SUCH A GREAT GUY. BUT YOU COULDN'T DO IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE. YOU DON'T NEED TO LIE TO ME ANYMORE, I ALREADY KNOW."

"stop it, that's not true. i mean, i was going to say that, but--"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMFORT ME. I'M NOT UPSET. I DIDN'T GIVE UP AND I'M NOT UPSET. I JUST DECIDED TO BE REALISTIC ABOUT THINGS." 

"....what are you talking about?"

Papyrus finally looked up. He met Sans' gaze with blunt resolve.

"NO ONE HERE IS INTERESTED IN A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME."

"papyrus--"

"NO ONE HERE IS EVEN INTERESTED IN A SUPERFICIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME."

"......."

"NO ONE HERE EVEN WANTS TO LOOK AT ME."

"......actually...."

"AND SO, I'VE DECIDED TO STOP ACTING AS IF I EVER HAD A CHANCE. BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP, BECAUSE I CAN'T LIE ANYMORE ABOUT HOW BADLY I WANT THIS."

"papyrus, wait. i know someone who wants to be your friend."

It was Papyrus's turn to be stunned. He shook it off.

"IT'S YOU, ISN'T IT? YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT WAS REALLY RUDE OF ME TO SAY NO ONE. I'M SORRY."

"no, someone else. it's you."

"....." Papyrus felt himself beginning to sweat.

"don't you remember, that cooking class? you said you saw your alternate self..."

Sans was getting excited now.

"that person, the other you -- you'd never turn anyone down. you should be friends with you! we need to find him somehow. ...too bad they didn't ever have another class."

"Y-YEAH, IT'S A REAL SHAME...."

He never wanted to see himself again. It was a disgusting feeling to be so intensely envious of another person, even more so when it was an alternate version of you that hadn't completely screwed things up.

That literally could have been him. It was unsettling to think about.

"don't worry. bet we can find him online. heh, knowing you, chances are he'll be really involved in the community or something." Sans pulled out his phone, hurriedly beginning a search for the old Papyrus.

Papyrus couldn't think of any good reason to protest Sans' plan. He helplessly watched Sans pore over his phone.

And suddenly it occurred to him that Sans must care about him a lot. He hadn't seen Sans be so invested in something since they had been saved.

Well, he knew before this moment that Sans cared. But he hadn't completely understood. The two of them didn't have anyone else to turn to, so Papyrus felt it only natural that Sans would value and care about him. It had seemed, to him, that Sans cared about him merely because of circumstance. Sans had to care about something, after all.

But now. He could see it in the way that Sans' face lit up when he first had the idea. And Sans was...actually grinning as he searched. He liked seeing this in Sans. It made him realize that he cared about Sans, too. It made him realize that somewhere along the way, he had started taking their relationship for granted.

 _"WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING..."_ He thought to himself. He had been acting like a jerk to his brother just now. Sans only wanted to help. Why had it been so hard for Papyrus to let him help?

"aw, yeah, here it is! i got his number!" Sans laughed out loud, and that cinched it.

"oh, this is--i can't believe i didn't think of this sooner. he has a puzzle-solving club. it'll be perfect."

Papyrus made up his mind to put aside his quest for approval, his quest for friends. It wasn’t like he was doing anything to further that quest anyway.

It was only going to hurt him to pursue that quest right now.

He consoled himself with the idea that maybe one day, things would be different. And maybe then, he could continue reaching for that dream.

But for now, he realized, right now he wanted to focus on what he already had.

So he pushed down his fear, his anxiety about meeting with his former self again. He laughed together with Sans and took down the number. He dabbed away the sweat beading across his head and gave himself a call.

He was going to make this work. He was going to force this to work.

"HELLO! YOU'VE REACHED THE GREAT PAPYRUS!"

"H-HI THERE, UM..." Instantly he wished he had planned out something to say before calling.

"IT'S, ME. IT'S YOU. I'M PAPYRUS. DO YOU...REMEMBER ME?" Oh no, he sounded like an idiot. This wasn't going to--

"HEY! IT'S ME! OF COURSE I REMEMBER YOU. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU, ME!"

Warm relief washed over Papyrus as his old self offered up kindness without missing a beat.

"......." He wanted to say something but he couldn't find the words quick enough.

"I NEVER SAW YOU AGAIN AT COOKING CLASS. I LOOKED FOR YOU, YOU KNOW THAT? SEEMS LIKE MAYBE....IN THE FUTURE....I DON'T LIKE MAKING SPAGHETTI ANYMORE?? IS THAT IT?!"

It was impossible to tell if he was oblivious or giving him an out. He wondered how much this other him knew about their horrific dimension.

As he opened his mouth to say something, he missed his chance to get a word in again.

"GOSH, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF IN THE FUTURE! OH RIGHT, WAIT, YOU MURDERED A LOT OF PEOPLE, SO YOUR ANSWERS MIGHT BE AFFECTED BY THAT..."

Immediately Papyrus wanted to be sucked into a black hole.

"ALTHOUGH, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, I'D STILL WANT TO KNOW, I THINK--"

Papyrus shook himself in an effort to get his mind back on track. "HEY. WAIT A MINUTE. I--UM. I DON'T HAVE A LONG TIME TO CHAT."

"REALLY? THEN WHY'D YOU CALL?"

"I. EH. I WANTED TO..." Did he really want to go through with this after all?

He glanced sideways over at Sans. Sans grinned at him, gave him a double thumbs-up. "you can do this," he mouthed.

"I WANTED TO, UM. ASK ABOUT YOUR PUZZLING CLUB?"

"OHH, RIGHT, RIGHT! THE PUZZLING CLUB! ACTUALLY, THAT'S JUST A SUMMER EVENT! BUT HEY, BETWEEN ME AND ME, WE CAN STILL DO PUZZLES TOGETHER. WE JUST CAN'T USE THE FIELD, IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS."

Papyrus didn't even try to interject this time.

"I'M STILL IRONING OUT THE KINKS, BUT ACTUALLY I'M WORKING ON INSTALLING SOME REALLY NEAT STUFF IN MY YARD. WANT TO COME SEE? DO YOU HAVE A CAR, OR SHOULD I COME GET YOU?"

Nailing down the details of the hangout wasn't hard. Papyrus had let his other self do all the deciding, just going along with whatever he suggested. What little glimmer of hope he had seen at the start of the call had already evaporated by that point. But he saw that the plans he made had made Sans happy, so he tried to keep an open mind.

 _“WHO KNOWS?”_ He thought to himself that night. _“MAYBE I CAN LEARN TO BE OKAY WITH THIS.”_

If he could pull this off...maybe it was just what he needed to get himself on track to pulling himself back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know that thing, where you pore over something you wrote so many times that you can't focus on it anymore? That happened to me. So I have given up poring over it and now set it free. I am sorry if it's not very good but I'm not sorry to be done with it.


	5. Chapter 5

Papyrus knew he was being ridiculous.

He knew it and he hated himself for it.

He wasn't able to shred those feelings the way he used to. Why not?

This would have been an appropriate time for that. His soul was behaving so obstinately. He recognized the emotion as jealousy, but could do nothing at all about it. Was forced to witness it as it continued to fester, deep in his soul.

The other him, the better him, was so kind. So including. He was fearless, saying whatever seemed to come into his mind. And with his shades on, the top to his convertible removed, and that confident grin on his face, this other him looked exactly like what Papyrus had always aspired to be.

Had he always been like this, before? But didn't realize it? Or was this the result of a natural progression of coolness attained by a version of himself that hadn't been so unlucky to get caught up in a nightmare?

Papyrus couldn't decide which of those realities would be more depressing. He tried desperately to muzzle those thoughts in an effort to make the best of things. To stop feeling so lousy and antagonistic to what may have been his best shot at a real connection.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a cheerful declaration--

"WHAT A PERFECT DAY FOR PUZZLES, WOULDN'T YOU SAY? JUST LOOK AT THAT SKY! BREATHTAKING."

Small talk about the weather. He could handle this. Until this moment he hadn't really been considering it, but it actually was a beautiful day--mostly clear, with just enough patches of pillowy, fluffy clouds to keep things interesting. He had idly been watching them drift by as the car sped onward.

It was strange, how quickly something so new and so beautiful could become so mundane. Forgettable, even.

"........YEAH. IT'S GREAT. I'VE JUST BEEN WATCHING IT GO BY."

"THE MAJESTY OF A CLEAR BLUE SKY STILL GETS TO ME, YOU KNOW? I WONDER IF I'LL EVER GET USED TO IT." The other him scratched the side of his skull as he considered, before continuing. "PROBABLY NOT. IT MAKES ME HAPPY JUST LOOKING AT IT. FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THAT I LIKE IT."

So this him was even better at appreciating things. Wonderful.

How fucking wonderful.

It came on so suddenly that Papyrus was almost alarmed at his own vitriolic attitude. It was jarring, and shameful. It wasn't something he admired about himself at all. Was he angry at himself for being so jealous? Or was he angry at his other self for being so perfect? Was he both?

What a stupid, petty, and inconsequential thing to be upset by someone else's greatness. Acknowledging the childishness of it all only justified his self-directed anger even further. He wished to excise this part of himself, this nasty jealousy. This bitter scorn of a sore loser. Those feelings belonged in the garbage.

For a moment he was standing there, in his mind. Looking over all that mess with a trembling rage and sorrow. 

"I MEAN, LOOK AT IT! DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL NICE?"

In a moment of weary submission, Papyrus looked up. He looked up at the sky. 

He didn't feel nice. But he wanted to feel nice, so he said that it did. He wanted to feel nice. Would just looking at the sky really help? Would pretending to feel nice possibly help?

"I WISH I COULD LOOK AT IT BETTER, BUT I'M DRIVING."

He wanted to feel nice, so he watched. And he waited.

He saw the sky, and the stillness of it. He watched as the sun slowly disappeared behind one cloud. He saw it reemerge on the other side, lighting up the world just a little bit more as it did.

He hadn't really been watching it before, had he? That must be why he hadn't noticed these subtle details. It seemed too good, too convenient to be true, but...it really did make him feel nice, to see the sky. He couldn't control it any more than he was able to control feeling bad.

"I'M REALLY GLAD YOU LOOKED ME UP, BY THE WAY. I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD."

"............." Papyrus tried to focus on the sky. On feeling nice.

"YOU KNOW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO CONTACT YOU DIRECTLY, RIGHT?"

"....VAGUELY."

It wasn't a surprise to hear that. But the topic still made him uncomfortable.

"WELL, IT'S TRUE. ORDERS CAME DIRECTLY FROM THE KING. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE TEMPORARY, BUT--ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY, IS THAT IF YOU WANT TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS, IT'LL HAVE TO BE YOU WHO REACHES OUT. EVERY TIME."

"RIGHT." 

"AND I HOPE YOU WILL!"

"....THANKS."

"I CAN'T EVEN SET UP A REGULAR MEETING TIME WITH YOU."

"OKAY."

"BUT YOU ARE WELCOME TO ASK THAT OF ME."

"............"

"HINT HINT."

Papyrus couldn't even look up at the other him. He didn't know what to say.

He felt like he couldn't say "no". That would be like a starving man turning down a sandwich made specifically for him. It made him feel downright ungrateful.

But he certainly knew he did not want to say "yes". At least not yet. This meetup had hardly even begun, and it was already emotionally exhausting him.

He didn't move himself at all, but kept his gaze fixed on the drifting clouds.

"....I'LL, UH...I'LL LOOK INTO IT. LATER. AND--WE CAN FIGURE OUT A GOOD TIME FOR IT."

Better to be non-committal. But misleadingly open to the idea.

"YES! PLEASE DO! MY SCHEDULE IS WIDE OPEN. LITERALLY, I AM AVAILABLE FOR YOU AT ANY TIME AT ALL."

Dang. This other him really knew how to lay it on thick. Was he trying to make him feel guilty?

This would all be so much easier if he could just force himself to be okay with this! Where in the world was that shredder when you needed it?!

Papyrus made no response. He attempted to soothe himself by imagining that things might smooth themselves over when they got the chance to bond over puzzles. But he was so very wrong.

"WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH A YARD FULL OF INNOCENT PUZZLES," he had reasoned. In retrospect, he felt like a fool for being unable to predict it. He had forgotten exactly how much of a penchant he had always had for dangerous and outlandish puzzles. That appreciation was not unique to his unfortunate universe. It was something he had possessed far, far before even Frisk had appeared.

Spikes. Flames. Dizzying heights. Electric currents. These daring impulses may have been thrown out of control during the Underground's darkest hours, but they were by no means born there.

Seeing these dangerous traps laid out for him to solve made him remember with what glee he had executed his own lethal puzzles. It filled him with bitter regret to look back on.

This was supposed to be a fun day. He was supposed to enjoy puzzles. But, on the other hand--how had he not seen this coming?!

He had misremembered. Those puzzles he had enjoyed long ago, and the puzzles he saw before him now--they weren't death traps. No one had died trying to solve them. He had thought it would be fun to revisit light-hearted puzzles like that. But what he hadn't realized was that the lethal puzzles and the wholesome puzzles had been made from many of the same components. The intent behind them was very different, yes, but at a glance they were not so different from each other.

Seeing them side by side was a reminder of just how badly things had deteriorated, on his part, Underground.

Here there was a patch of empty field, waiting for someone to step over the wrong spot. In his world, one misstep would snap a child's head clean off. In this world, the same misstep would result in a jolt of electricity, as long as you agreed to hold onto the orb. It would be just enough to surprise you, but not enough to harm you. Probably.

And that color-changing puzzle. In this world it was more likely to malfunction and produce an impossible-to-not-solve-easily puzzle. In his world, it just sunk in underneath children and dragged them down to be buried alive in the ice.

Hey, what was the point of that one, anyway? That was a lot of wasted meat. Maybe it had just been entertaining to watch little helpless things suffer, for some reason. The thought made him shudder.

Papyrus shook his head and tried to focus as he realized he was straying far off track. He wasn't interested in getting inside the head of the twisted version of himself that made that puzzle right now. And the better him was talking to him now, waxing sentimental about the puzzles, apparently.

"....AND THAT WAY....WITH THE SWITCHES....AND, OH! THE SPIKES!......THOSE WERE BETTER DAYS......"

Papyrus didn't hate puzzles. He could even relate to everything this other him was saying. He desperately wished he could feel those things about puzzles again for himself. And although they were a perfect reminder of everything about him that had spiraled out of control, he couldn't deny that he still had a soft spot for interesting puzzles as a concept.

He tried. He really, really tried. But that one little soft spot wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make everything better.

He tried to get into the swing of things by attempting a classic hidden switch puzzle. But he lost interest in it after it took him too long to solve. He was rusty.

"WELL--IT DOESN'T MATTER! LOOK, WE CAN LEAVE IT OFF FOR NOW. I WON'T SPOIL IT FOR YOU!"

The other him snapped his fingers suddenly, in an apparent jolt of inspiration.

"I KNOW! HAH, OF COURSE! YOU WOULD MUCH RATHER BE CREATING THE PUZZLES, AM I RIGHT?"

He was not. But Papyrus didn't want to say that and be a terrible guest.

He went through the motions of creating an elaborate puzzle. But once again found that his soul was just not in it.

"HMM. YOUR CONCEPT IS...OKAY." Papyrus appreciated the other him's diplomacy, even though it stung.

".........YOU NEED SOMETHING MORE CIRCUITOUS, IN A PUZZLE LIKE THIS. WOULDN'T YOU SAY? HERE--"

He rearranged some key points. Added a switch and a trap door. Painted a section of the yard to mislead anyone attempting solution. Went on to paint a small mural of his face, for good measure.

"WE COULD PAINT YOUR FACE, TOO? ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE! AS A TRIBUTE TO OUR FIRST-EVER DOUBLE SELF HANGOUT!"

Papyrus couldn't tell if the other him was trying to cheer him up, or completely oblivious to his inner depressive state. Either way, it seemed rude to decline.

The resulting puzzle was not extremely impressive. It definitely had the air of being a commemorative puzzle, rather than a genuinely engaging one.

Papyrus stayed as long as he felt necessary in order to be polite. Though he had mostly decided in his mind that this was not something he ever wanted to do again, he didn't want to inadvertently hurt his other self's feelings.

He declined a ride home. He lied, said he had some errands to run, anyway. He'd take the bus.

Papyrus could feel something warm inside him as he walked home, though. It felt....nice. Not unlike when he had stared at the sky.

It would be nice, he thought, to explore that feeling. He tried to hold on to it, and get a good look. Did it come from the puzzles, or from his other self? Did it come from sticking out something uncomfortable? It's possible it was actually just relief from having left. It was hard to decipher.

Whatever it was, it was too small and fleeting to make him reconsider. He wasn't going to go back.

It was relieving to know that he wouldn't be invited back. He didn't want to hurt his other self's feelings with a rejection.

In a way, it was relieving to know that other monsters had been banned from initiating contact with monsters from his world. It could somewhat partially explain his extensive loneliness. Maybe if he had been even more outgoing, and straightforward when pursuing friendships, he would have been more successful. But he was far too tired of trying to revisit those tactics at this point.

There were plenty of reasons, though they may have been excuses, in his mind about why this wouldn't work. Why that wouldn't work.

He considered the possibility that today's endeavor could even have been successful if he had loosened his grip on those excuses, just a little bit. But this was an uncomfortable truth that he preferred to ignore for now.

It became even more uncomfortable that evening whenever Sans found out he had no intentions on going back, despite his other self's complete willingness and welcoming behavior.

Sans' face was like a stone. Blank, emotionless, yet also cold. His tone was accusing.

".....you just want to be unhappy, don't you?"

"I DON'T APPRECIATE SUCH SARCASM, SANS. OF COURSE I WANT TO BE HAPPY."

"no, for real. i'm being completely serious right now. in the most hypocritical way possible."

Sans laughed self-derisively.

"it's way easier. way less painful, to just give up. you are self-sabotaging, bro. believe me, i'd know."

Suddenly, his face tightened soberly.

"how dare you. i believed in you."

"I DON'T OWE YOU." Papyrus scoffed.

"I'M GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID, BUT...YOUR DREAMS FOR ME AREN'T MORE COMPELLING THAN MY OWN DREAMS FOR ME."

"ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP. I'VE MERELY ADJUSTED MY GOAL-POST."

"how so?"

"WELL...I'VE ACCEPTED THAT I WON'T BE MAKING ANY FRIENDS HERE."

".........."

"AND I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT I CAN NEVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN."

".......pap..."

"BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON BEING HAPPY! AND I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON BEING BETTER."

"I JUST HAVE TO FOCUS ON WHAT'S ALREADY HERE.....AND BUILD UP WHAT I ALREADY HAVE."

"I KNOW IT'S A VAGUE GOAL...BUT I THINK I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN."

"..............of course you can."

The two stood there for a moment, silently, before Sans broke the silence by speaking up again.

"sorry for being so antagonistic just now."

Papyrus placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled faintly. "IT'S OKAY. IT'S PROBABLY REALLY FRUSTRATING WATCHING ME TRY AND FAIL AND FAIL AGAIN."

"it kind of is, but....it sure does make you look cool."

".......I'M SORRY THAT THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT THE WAY YOU'D HOPED. I WAS NEVER COMPLETELY SURE IF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED IN ME, OR....IF YOU JUST REALLY LOVED ME."

With a faint look of despair, Sans appeared a bit hurt by this statement. His voice was small as he responded,

"it's both, pap. both."

"I MEANT--IF THAT LOVE, WAS WHAT MOTIVATED YOU. TO FEIGN BELIEF IN ME. AND PROVIDE ME ENCOURAGEMENT...TO TRY AND BRING ME HAPPINESS."

"it's.....kind of still both, okay? don't overthink it. y'see--"

Sans looked down at the floor, unsure how to explain himself properly.

"it kind of started off one way, i think, and then....well, after encouraging you for so long, and doing everything i was doing to make things happen for you....it made sense to, i guess, decide to believe in you for real."

"........."

"it's not easy to pretend to believe in something. it tends to fall apart pretty easily. but i....made the choice. to believe in you. and i kept making that choice, and that belief grew stronger, and--and i'll keep on making that choice, because i do love you! you're my brother...you're important to me!"

"just because it's something i chose, instead of something i just naturally had, doesn't mean it isn't real. in fact, i think that my conscious act of choosing it, repeatedly, makes my belief in you all the more significant."

No one spoke for a moment. Sans had said his peace. Papyrus could hardly process it.

"Y-YOU'RE RIGHT, I...." Papyrus heard his own voice falter, stopped up by emotion.

He did his best to force it out.

"I'M S...S-SORRY, I.....I, I DIDNN'T U-U-UNDER, S...S-SSTA..."

He hadn't understood Sans. He had thought that he did.

There were some key details that Papyrus had vaguely understood. He knew he was important to Sans. He had just been reminded of that, had even gone on this taxing outing because of it. But Sans had never been this explicit about any of it before. Hearing it all out loud made him feel so valid. So loved. So relieved, to be cared about. It didn't make sense, logically, since he technically already knew these things. But he had only known them based on conjecture, and had never had those things spelled out so plainly before.

He didn't even try to hold back the ugly, broken sobs. They were releasing all the feelings that had nowhere else to go. They prevented him from speaking any further--which wasn't strictly necessary anymore. Sans understood what he had been trying to say.

"it's okay. i should've said something about it a long time ago." Sans murmured as he patted his brother's back, hugging him, feeling those sobs punctuate his frame. He hadn't been expecting this release of emotion from Papyrus. He hadn't seen anything like this from him in so long.

Sans had foolishly bought into the idea that Papyrus was "okay". It was wishful thinking, on both their parts, to believe such a thing. It hadn't mattered how hard they had worked, or what they worked towards. By avoiding this truth, they had fundamentally doomed their sought-after results.

"hey. promise me something."

".........." Papyrus sniffled, took a deep breath. 

"WHAT."

"promise me...that the next time you get a chance, you don't turn anyone away. for any reason."

"............."

"i get it, you don't want to see him again. that's not what i'm asking you to do. just..."

Sans looked up at his brother earnestly, pleadingly.

"if this really isn't self-sabotage, it would make sense for you to say yes to just about anyone else, wouldn't it?"

".....YEAH."

"you say you accepted having no friends, pap, and that's fine if you did, but....well...."

Sans hesitated. He didn't want to say the wrong thing. But he wasn't going to take Papyrus at face value anymore.

"isn't that....something.....you're always going to want?"

"............."

"isn't that something that would make you happy? if you had it?"

"........I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S REALLY...."

"maybe it won't magically fix all your problems, but--yeah, i bet it would make you happy! and it's self-sabotage to tell yourself it's useless before you even try!"

Sans had been trying for so long. He just wanted Papyrus to be happy.

"please. i'm only asking for one thing."

This was everything to him. It was what he lived for, now. Maybe he had no business hanging his dreams on Papyrus, but what else was there in his life to hang them on? Himself?

That wasn't viable.

"just, say yes. the next time you have a chance with someone, go along with it. say yes. no one but him is going to ask you about puzzles."

"NO ONE BUT HIM IS GOING TO ASK ME AT ALL."

"so then why won't you commit to it?"

"I--OKAY! FINE! I'LL DO IT, I'LL SAY YES."

"good."

"BUT I HAVE ONE CONDITION!"

"....go on."

"YOU HAVE TO COME WITH."

"that's...."

"......I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, TOO, Y'KNOW."

"yeah, but i don't--"

"THAT'S JUST MY CONDITION. YOU'RE WELCOME TO TURN IT DOWN, AND CANCEL THE AGREEMENT."

".........."

It was Sans' turn to be silent.

What could he say, that wasn't completely hypocritical?

"i don't need other people."

He could say that, no one was preventing him. But the truth is, that neither monsters nor humans are meant to be alone.

People who don't have friends will be lonely. It's as simple as that.

Sans had Papyrus. Papyrus had Sans.

Someone who is used to having more than one friend might say: "Isn't that enough? At least you aren't completely alone."

Papyrus had tried to fill his friend void by....trying to fill it. Repeatedly. Like clunking a square peg against a round hole, desperate for this attempt to be different than all the others.

Sans had been trying to fill his by living vicariously through Papyrus. It was far too frightening and pointless to attempt anything on behalf of himself.

He had already said too many hypocritical things tonight. All that talk, all that outrage about self-sabotage sure had sounded good when it was directed outward. But even just the smallest shift in perspective had turned his words completely against himself.

He didn't really have a choice, did he?

"okay. i'll do it."

**Author's Note:**

> I have a Tumblr @jnpie, hmu if you like Horrortale Papyrus and you want him to be happy again one day <3


End file.
